It has been three weeks since we found out about Tony. It is fair to say that I do not know how I am feeling; â€œconfused with a busy headâ€ is one good way to describe it. This is not so much with what has happened, but more how people around me have dealt with it. It is fair to say that whilst I have had amazing support from my friends, I do not feel I have had much from my close family (apart from what ended up being rather irritatingly frequent calls to see what was happening).
When Tonyâ€™s family arrived from Canada I was left to take them round for two days; to undertakers, the ministerâ€™s home, Tonyâ€™s flat and his work. I think it was seen that I am a â€˜doerâ€™, and was more than capable of doing it, and yes I did do it and now that it is done it is as if my family have retreated further back. That leaves me confused.
Tony is still the first thought in my head when I wake up in the morning and my sleep is still disturbed by certain images that I saw then I first went into his flat a couple of days after he was found. My head is so busy with thoughts that I cannot grasp hold of to see what they are and I find it incredibly difficult to be in the company of those who do not know and even more uncomfortable to seriously talk about it to those who do.
I am guessing this is grieving, something I never had time to do until now, when everything else is done.
I have done a lot of things in the last three weeks, many which I never thought I would ever have to do, I look back and see how terrible things were, a horror unfolding in front of my eyes, but I was running on a kind of autopilot, working through lists I made of people to see, things to do. It is now that I start to realise what it was likeâ€¦â€¦..