A healing September

September has been a very long and thoughtful month for me. It was a time of introspection and just learning about how I felt about the summer. July and August just “flew in” in a swarm of crazy thoughts, feelings and ideas, however, as I think I have said, the Autumn brings me some calm and peace, and this year that has been more than welcomed.

I know that people are still finding Tony’s death hard, I still see strange things crawling in the corner of my vision and still often think about him, but the instant stab of pain has diminished to a background. I find that I can now talk to people again without being pre-occupied about whether they know, whether they understand and what their judgement and feeling about it is.

Stranger is that the money that he owed me has arrived from Canada. I am stuck as how to use it, I think some people expect me to do something purposeful with it, where I would rather reduce debt, I think.

September has also been a time of returning smiles for me, going and picking up Alfie the Mini from Brighton, the Wee Sunday Out with the Mini Clan, meeting Kir, the new puppy in my mum’s household and generally spending some nice time with my friends.

I have also got back into my meditation and that has helped me a great deal in looking inside and understanding what actually happened within me, the exhaustion that I felt in August and showed my how much of a reserve I actually have within me and where it comes from (and how I must look after it, as I don’t think everyone has such a thing).

I think it is now, with some distance that I can understand the whole circumstance better.

So, now we are on the verge of my favourite month, October, and I hope that it is going to be quietly fun, with interesting highlights and amusing sidelines.

Autumn daze……

It is really strange to see that we are careering to mid-September whilst I am still adjusting to the “lost” summer. Autumn is my favourite season and, in part, I feel as if it has snuck up on me and I am not ready to enjoy it.

Life has got a somewhat more normal and stable way about it, thoughts are still there, but work and friendships are becoming easier and I am once again getting used to being alone at home after having so many people around for such a time. I am still meeting people whom I have not seen since Tony’s death and I am finding easier to talk about it with them, but at the same time I don’t think I need to talk to them about it. It is just the answer to the question “How you doing?”.

Fun things are began to happen as well… there was a large family gathering for my Mum’s birthday, four sisters all in one place and I only lost the rag once… which is good going!

Then last weekend I was down in Brighton helping Rob get back in touch with his slightly impulsive side and his classic Mini lifestyle…. it is good to see him grin with that glint in his eye as he drives Alfie….

Then a really nice BBQ with J&K, probably the last of the season, but an almost perfect Sunny September Sunday evening out…..

Gracie has got her Dog, at last. In some ways is odd but overall is really good, as he is kinda mongrel thing, a wee stray but quite cute and I think she deserves some real happy times.

It is as if the “stun-gun” effect is starting to wear off and everyone is starting to wake up to a new Autumn…..

I am hoping that this activity around me starts to shake off the strange ‘dusty gap’ feeling that I have about myself. By that I suppose I mean that I don’t feel the hazy-daze wearing off that fast, but I hope it is. I just have to concentrate more.

“The sanest decision I have ever made”

I had a meeting with the Procurator Fiscals office yesterday, to start to draw the final things together for Tony.

Apart from give me a copy of Tony’s note the whole meeting left me with a negative feeling that the system doesn’t work and it knows it doesn’t work and it is fine with that.

I have some concerns about Tony’s case, not to find cause and apportion blame, there is no-one to blame, but to look at the system of support and see where the gaps are. Cause Tony fell through some gaps.

I was trying to speak to the Fiscal in a lessons learned way, however he kept bringing back to not being able to bring a direct link back to Tony’s case. Which I did not want to do.

I do think Tony was a vulnerable person, some who was diagnosed as Bi-Polar is a vulnerable person and I think that is where the system failed. When he moved house in October 2005 he updated his address with his doctor and then received a letter telling him that he was out of the catchment area and therefore would be de-registered and his records sent back to the central records.

To me this looks like a pure admin task, I assume that it was done without looking at the contents of his records. However, for someone who was depressed, mildly paranoid and lacked motivation (all typical of Bi-Polar suffers) the nature of the letter looked like another rejection from the world and confirmed Tony’s belief that he was not making any impact on this world. That people could brush him off, out of hand.

My fear is that this happens daily, not necessarily with mental welfare patients, but with anyone who is potentially vulnerable. This system doesn’t take into account the ability of these people, whether they are able to register with a new doctor.

From speaking to my doctor, who was Tony’s doctor, I know there was a “scrabble” by the welfare services when Tony was found. He apparently caught them unawares…… social services were not ready for him……

Maybe that furthers my belief that the system doesn’t work. I do not want to make this a belief a crusade, or let it consume my life, I would just like to try and make sure other people are not falling through gaps in the system and where there is the potential for a positive outcome our support systems are the best they can be.